We’ve been taught that the best gifts are surprises.

The dramatic reveal. The gasp. The “I can’t believe you thought of this!”

But research in behavioural science suggests something surprising:

Surprise isn’t always what makes a gift great.

Givers Focus on Surprise. Receivers Focus on Usefulness.

Multiple studies in gift-giving psychology show a consistent mismatch:

• Gift givers prioritise creativity, uniqueness, and surprise.
• Gift receivers prioritise usefulness and personal preference.

“Givers focus too much on the moment of surprise and not enough on the long-term satisfaction of the gift.” — Stanford Graduate School of Business¹

In experiments, recipients consistently reported higher satisfaction when receiving items they had explicitly requested — even if those gifts were less surprising.

The “Thoughtfulness Paradox”

Many people believe that picking something unexpected proves deeper understanding.

But research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests the opposite:

Receivers tend to interpret giving them what they asked for as more thoughtful than an imaginative alternative.²

Why?

Because fulfilling a request signals attentiveness and respect for the recipient’s preferences.

Long-Term Satisfaction Beats Short-Term Surprise

The emotional peak of surprise lasts seconds. The experience of owning and using a gift lasts months or years.

Researchers have found that givers overestimate the importance of the reveal moment, while recipients evaluate gifts based on practical enjoyment over time.

In simple terms:

Surprise is short. Utility is lasting.

Why Unwanted Gifts Are So Common

Because of this mismatch, unwanted gifts are more common than we admit.

Surveys consistently show a significant percentage of recipients:

• Return gifts
• Regift them
• Sell them online
• Leave them unused

The emotional awkwardness of admitting disappointment means many unwanted gifts quietly disappear.

Surprise Works Best With Clear Boundaries

This doesn’t mean surprise has no value.

Research suggests the optimal strategy may be:

• Use a wishlist for direction
• Choose something from within those preferences
• Surprise within a framework

That way, the giver maintains creativity — but avoids the risk of completely missing the mark.

The Illusion of “They Should Know Me”

Sometimes disappointment stems from an unspoken expectation:

“If they really knew me, they would know what I want.”

But research shows even close partners struggle to perfectly predict each other’s preferences.

Clear communication outperforms silent expectation.

Clarity Reduces Waste and Regret

When preferences are shared openly:

• Givers feel confident
• Receivers feel understood
• Returns decrease
• Waste is reduced

Transparency doesn’t reduce generosity. It increases effectiveness.

The Shift in Modern Gifting Culture

Today, many people are more comfortable sharing what they want — not out of entitlement, but out of practicality.

A shared wishlist reframes gifting:

• From guessing → to knowing
• From awkwardness → to clarity
• From short-term surprise → to long-term satisfaction

Conclusion

Surprise gifts aren’t inherently bad.

But research consistently shows that:

• Requested gifts create higher satisfaction
• Usefulness outweighs dramatic reveal
• Clear preferences reduce disappointment

The best gifts aren’t the most unexpected.

They’re the ones that feel personal, relevant, and genuinely wanted.

And sometimes the most thoughtful thing you can do is simply ask — or share.

Sources

1. Stanford Graduate School of Business — Research on gift-giving and surprise bias.
2. Flynn, F. J., & Adams, G. S. — Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, studies on gift-giving and perceived thoughtfulness.